fear and desire

Let me drive myself crazy
With fear and desire
Competing for my attention
Tearing my emotions apart
Shredding my thoughts
Till reason surrenders
Unable to remember
What sensible means?

Oversensitive, highly-strung
Yes, that’s me, I admit
To the barely concealed
Madness dividing my mind
And carving up my heart.

What is worse? The fear or desire?

I want you so bad
To hold and be held
Till I can believe we are one
Merged, connected for all time
Bringing me safety and security
In the warmth of your smile
In the power of our love.
I am reaching, reaching
Wanting to move closer
Closer to you, to my heart
Of desire.

But then I stop wanting
And start trembling
With the fear of the illusion,
Of being love’s fool
Humiliated and wretched
Betrayed or repaid with
Indifference – is that worse than rejection?
Left with no other conclusion
But that I am unloved and
Unlovable.

Where is my centre, my
Core of stability? The ground
Beneath my feet is constantly
Shifting. How can I ground myself,
Be rooted, be safe?
I’m lost and alone with no map
And no compass. Just waiting
And wondering if you’ll ever
Come home.

 

Let me drive myself crazy

With fear and desire

Competing for my attention

Tearing my emotions apart

Shredding my thoughts

Till reason surrenders

Unable to remember

What sensible means?

Oversensitive, highly-strung

Yes, that’s me, I admit

To the barely concealed

Madness dividing my mind

And carving up my heart.

What is worse?  The fear or desire?

I want you so bad

To hold and be held

Till I can believe we are one

Merged, connected for all time

Bringing me safety and security

In the warmth of your smile

In the power of our love.

I am reaching, reaching

Wanting to move closer

Closer to you, to my heart

Of desire.

But then I stop wanting

And start trembling

With the fear of the illusion,

Of being love’s fool

Humiliated and wretched

Betrayed or repaid with

Indifference – is that worse than rejection?

Left with no other conclusion

But that I am unloved and

Unlovable.

Where is my centre, my

Core of stability?  The ground

Beneath my feet is constantly

Shifting.  How can I ground myself,

Be rooted, be safe?

I’m lost and alone with no map

And no compass.  Just waiting

And wondering if you’ll ever

Come home.

deep beyond deep

It is all connected,
deep beyond deep
where self and other
meaningless merge
where the temptation
to be real dissolves
into no necessity
for the solid world
of ego and we become,
becoming, without
beginning or end.

It is all connected
deep beyond deep.

dark hole

http://www.mediafire.com/?nizid5jtrdm

conversation

I can’t believe you said that

and here it comes now

the wave of emotion rising

from the pit of my stomach

like the crackling lightning

on Dr Frankenstein’s machine

it jolts my heart sending bolts

up into my confused brain

and now the neurones are firing

in a million different directions

throwing up parallel contradictory thoughts

and I’m experiencing overload

though you would never know it

as I sit stock still trying hard

not to cry, only able to blurt out

a meaningless quip saturated with anger

while desperately trying to find

the one coherent thought

amongst the chaos.

It comes to me later, too late.

All I really wanted to say was

‘Hold me, hold me and never let me go.’

on the importance of clarifying one’s terms

I’m a bit outside
your 60 km radius
of Folkstone,
but I can always move!

That was
your opening line.

Pity I didn’t think to ask
where to?

new moon

did you see the new moon
low in the inky darkening sky
delicate, razor sharp, bowed,
tiny sliver of silver light
of the full moon to come
in 14 days
like the hint of love
that lasts forever.

a year is a day in moontime
- did you know that?

or did you just smile and decide
to wait till later
unaware
that she was setting
not rising?

http://www.ocrasc.ca/images.html

worlds collide at noon

I woke in the night full of thoughts of you.

I asked my mind, ‘What do you think of him?

‘She said, ‘He’s lovely, that’s obvious

and you’ve lots in common and I think he’d

be loyal and true and committed – all those things

you want. But it’s all a bit complicated

with your different lives, and stages and

availability and living arrangements and

potential continental impediments.

Then I asked my body and it said,

‘I’m sorry I woke you up but this bed

which has been such a source of comfort

and rest for my muscles and bones

just seemed wrong now somehow.

There’s a big space where his body

should be, warm for snuggling and

cuddling me back to sleep. Please,

put some pillows there so I can lie

in illusion.’

Finally, I asked my heart who replied:

‘I want him to come home to you

So I can be safe in his arms.’

how do you know?

I want to crawl inside myself

tuck my head into my chest

so I can talk to my aching heart.

why do my eyes hurt so much?

it’s just a few tears, a sob or two.

Do I ask for too much

or is my problem that I ask for too little

until it’s too late?

who knows?

I’m so tired, so tired

of wondering if I’m lovable enough.

Enough for what?

For a kind heart,

a few kind words

For goodness sake

Is that really too much to ask?

Isobel

I know who you are, Isobel

You are the lilac and blue angel

Who writes poetry and bakes hope into brownies,

While Siamese cats and birds play around you.

 

Invisible, you move among us

As your words are passed from one to another

Giving voice to those who suffer quietly

Longing for kindness and understanding.

 

Delicately, with diamond precision

You pierce our unsuspecting hearts

And set compassion free, reminding us

That each of us can make a difference.

 

I know who you are, Isobel,

You are the lilac and blue angel

Who leaves the scent of winter honeysuckle in her wake

As you brush past with the faintest touch of a butterfly wing.

all boxed up

If you want to read larger examples of my writing, WordPress has created a neat way of sharing – just click on the box in the sidebar.  Jacket and Madness are short stories, Rayya’s Palestine is an account of my relationship with my father’s slides of Jerusalem.