Just tell me you understand
How scared I am to have her living here
How I find myself crying myself to sleep
and waking with tears falling from my eyes
into the tear-stained pillows
of my childhood.
Just tell me you understand
how I feel my life ebbing away
all the gains, all the achievements
all my friendships and dreams
in my past, no longer my present or future;
how I fear they will never be regained.
Just tell me you understand
how lonely I feel with a pain so great
that no one else wants to share it
and how damaged and toxic that
makes me feel, unlovable and
untouchable, emotionally diseased
and disposable.
Just tell me you understand
how fragile my world is
that despite my years of struggling
to build my own life
it can be so easily threatened
by her presence.
Just tell me you understand
how my sanctuary has been
defiled, the safety of my home
shattered, the calm of my being
undermined, the ground under my feet
whipped away, leaving me adrift
on a sea of disturbing emotions
which surge and crash
against my brittle shell.
Just tell me you understand
the secret that I carry
of being unloved by those
who should have loved me,
of being neglected by those
who should have cared,
of being betrayed by those
who should have protected me,
of being misled by those
who should have guided me
of being abused by those
who should have nurtured me
of being abandoned by those
who should have kept me safe.
Just tell me you understand
what happens to the child
given too much power,
“You are making your mother sick”
what happens to the child
not allowed to be herself.
“Why can’t you be more …
happy
friendly
warm
sociable
fun
caring
considerate
kind
?”
Just tell me you understand
why I feel I can’t go on
why I want to run away
why I reach out desperately
to anyone who might
just understand.
